


The Love Song of Remus J. Lupin

by Larkin21



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Pre-Deathly Hallows, Romance, Sappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-27
Updated: 2005-09-27
Packaged: 2018-09-17 04:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9303749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larkin21/pseuds/Larkin21
Summary: Originally posted to wolfsbane.sycophanthex.com on September 27, 2005. Migrated here January 12, 2017.Remus is used to dealing with things on his own.Remus-centric, with some Tonks and even less Arthur, Molly, and McGongall.





	

Tonks sat against the wall, still staring at Bill and Fleur. Talking again to Molly and Arthur about Bill, Remus tried to keep her out of his mind. Instead, he explained some of his own wolfish qualities and emphasized that it could not be known how Bill would turn out. Molly began to cry again and tucked herself into Arthur’s arms. Remus started to tell them how Dumbledore had gotten Severus to make the Wolfsbane Potion for him every month. He had gotten as far as saying Dumbledore’s name before he couldn’t speak any longer. His breath caught and he found himself having to turn away.

“Thank you for everything, Remus,” Arthur said after a short pause. “Why don’t you get some rest? And if you don’t mind, we’ll call on you when it looks like Bill is going to wake?”

“Yes, of course. I’ll – just take Tonks back to Grimmauld Place and be back shortly.”

“There’s no need for you to come back right away, Remus,” Molly said looking over her shoulder at him. “Poppy says that with the medicine he has now, he’ll wake in the morning at the earliest.”

“Yes, I know, Molly. But I would feel more comfortable if I were at Hogwarts than –” but he stopped talking again. “I just prefer to be here.”

He walked over to Tonks, who still looked as though she were in a daze as occasional tears ran down her face. He reached down and rubbed her shoulder before gently pulling her up by her hands. Without looking back at the other 4 people in the room, he escorted Tonks out of the hospital wing.

They remained quiet until they reached the stairs but Remus did not take his hand from her back. Finally, Tonks broke the silence saying, “Why would you rather be here?”

Remus was surprised that the first thing she said would be a question, especially that question. He expected her to demand that she stay with him, wherever it was he decided to go.

“Grimmauld Place is still hidden and therefore sa –”

“I didn’t ask why you wanted me to go to Grimmauld Place,” she interrupted rather calmly, especially for Tonks. “I understand that. I don’t know why you don’t want to stay there too.”

Remus took his hand off her back to open the front doors and did not return it. “I will go back and stay there, Tonks. I promise. But not tonight. I don’t know when. But right now, I can’t stand the idea of being in the house where Sirius was locked up for the last year of his life. And, as it happens, where I last saw Dumbledore.”

“You last saw Dumbledore at Grimmauld Place? I would have thought it had been here, after the werewolf attacks.”

“No,” Remus sighed. “He came to see me there not two weeks ago. It was the anniversary of Sirius’s death and he kindly didn’t want me to be alone.” 

Tonks’ breath hitched. “Remus, I’m sorry. I should have been there –”

“I’m not upset with you, Tonks,” he told her gently. They had just stepped through the gates and Remus was anxious to get back to the school. “Let’s go ahead and Disapparate now.”

Tonks looked at him and finally said what he had been waiting for her to say. “I’d rather stay here too.”

“Tonks, you can’t stay here just because you feel guilty about not being with me before.” He knew before he said it that it would upset her. But at this point, his primary concern was to get her safely to Grimmauld Place and him back to Hogwarts. He did not like them being put in the open any longer than they had to.

Tonks looked at him angrily but her voice remained calm. “You know that I don’t feel anything that I feel for you … because of _any_ kind of guilt.” And then she Disapparated. Remus only hoped he hadn’t upset her so much that she had decided to go somewhere other than Grimmauld Place.

But he arrived seconds after her at Number Twelve. Without looking at him, she went inside, leaving the door open behind her. Remus wasn’t used to getting the silent treatment from Tonks and was afraid that he had gone too far, making it sound like he was suspicious of her true feelings for him. Remus knew that she thought she loved him and that she thought she could handle all the things that he insisted she would one day hate, but her conviction didn’t make him any more certain that he was good enough for her.

Remus started to search the house to make sure that it was safe but was able to cut his search short. Kingsley and Moody had already arrived upon word from Minerva about the attack at Hogwarts and the death of Dumbledore. Kingsley clearly considered asking Remus what had happened but took one look at him and decided against it. Remus was grateful and hoped they would still engage Tonks after he left. Their company would likely be a welcome distraction for her. Not wanting to leave her even more upset that she had been before they left the hospital wing, though, he took Tonks into the room Harry and Ron had been sharing, since any other room had too strong of a connection to Sirius or Dumbledore.

“Listen, Tonks – I-I know that you want to be with me right now but I think it is best that I-I have some time first. I don’t know how I can explain it to you, but right now really is a time when I do need to be alone. I promise I’ll call for you as soon as Bill wakes, if not before.”

“Don’t expect me to wait for you here, Remus. I have just as much right to be at Hogwarts as you do.” Tonks’s temper was beginning to show again.

“Of course you do, and I won’t try to keep you from coming or to make you leave again. But if you’re not there before, I’ll call you when Bill wakes.”

Calming down again, Tonks nodded. She still wasn’t happy but she had gotten her point across.

* * *

Returning to the school, Remus headed straight to the headmistress’s office. He shrank back behind a suit of armor when he saw Scrimgeour and his Ministry posse turning a corner from the corridor of his destination. After they passed him by, he hurried the rest of the way and sank down against the wall beside the gargoyle statue, not wanting to bother McGonagall. He didn’t have to wait long before she came out and he stood to meet her.

“Oh, Remus,” she had obviously been crying more but was now mostly composed. “What can I do for you?”

“Well, actually, Minerva, I was hoping that – I need –” he felt his chest clinch up and he put his fist softly against the wall, looking down at the base of statue behind McGonagall.

“Remus, you really should get some sleep. You know there are open beds here.”

Gathering himself, he looked at McGonagall. Her eyes were watering again and he realized that tears were now running down his own face.

“I just need to be alone to think, Minerva. I need – I was hoping I could spend some time in your office? I understand if you need to –”

“I was just going down to talk to Hagrid again and then to make the rounds in the castle. I won’t be back for the next few hours. The password is Lemon Sh-sherbert.” Her voice shook as she told him to stay as long as he liked and she placed a supportive hand on his shoulder as she walked past him.

Once in the office, Remus immediately saw Dumbledore’s sleeping portrait now hanging behind Minerva’s desk. Shaking, he charmed all the other portraits to sleep so that he could have some privacy. And then he just began talking. There was nothing, no reason to believe that Dumbledore’s portrait could hear him or that it was even possible for him to wake so shortly after his death. Remus honestly didn’t know. But still he talked to Dumbledore, as if he were a hospital patient who would come out of his coma at any moment.

“I just can’t believe that you’re really gone.” He paused as he tried to gain more control of his voice. “And I honestly can’t stop thinking about how Severus was the one to do it,” he continued as he sat in the chair in front of Minerva’s desk, facing Dumbledore’s painting. He sat with his elbows on his knees, leaning forward and his hands clasped together in front of him. For a while he just looked at his hands before continuing.

“I can’t believe you could have been so wrong about him.” He was now looking up at Dumbledore’s painting, but still calm and without any accusation in his voice. “I know that I never completely agreed with you about him, but I trusted your trust. I thought you knew something that we didn’t. And I can’t believe that you were completely wrong about him. What is his purpose in all of this?”

Remus continued looking at the portrait as if he expected an answer from it. Shaking his head and looking back to at his hands as they massaged each other, he spoke again.

“You know, almost two years ago, I was telling Molly not to worry as much. That we were better prepared this time around and that there wouldn’t be as many casualties. And here we are with so many deaths. And with Sirius dying last year and now you...” Suddenly Remus was sobbing again but soon he was speaking through his tears. “I wasn’t just trying to make her feel better. I really thought that we were on the right track. That we would get to Voldemort before he could do this much damage.”

Remus’s eyes shifted back up to Dumbledore’s sleeping frame. “And don’t you think for a second that I’ve given up hope,” he continued with more strength to his voice. “I know that the Order is right and that we will win … but I’m scared that nothing will be left when this war is over. Uh, I know that my own loss and suffering doesn’t mean a thing as long as Voldemort is defeated, but Professor, I don’t know that I can protect them or that I could take-”

He couldn’t finish his sentence and he looked back down in self-disgust. Even though he knew he was alone, he couldn’t bring himself to say out loud that he wasn’t sure how much more of it he could handle. That he couldn’t bear for his few remaining friends to leave him as well. That he was scared for Harry and the other students, for Bill and his family, and for Tonks.

There was some kind of shift in the air and Remus realized that the phoenix who had been singing outside this entire time had broken off his song.

“Remus.”

He looked up immediately to the portrait but it was still asleep. He started to stand to look around the room but Dumbledore’s voice continued.

“There is no reason to look for me here anymore, son.”

Remus eased back down in the chair, realizing that he would not see Dumbledore’s body with his voice. He continued to look to the left, towards the window where he could swear the voice was coming from.

“I’m sorry that I can’t give you more answers, Remus. But I am pleased, although not surprised, that your faith has not wavered.”

Remus immediately felt guilty, knowing that he had faltered, that he was feeling sorry for himself. But Dumbledore continued.

“The Order is right … and so is love and friendship. You haven’t lost sight of the things I would say are important above all else, especially now. So, no, you haven’t wavered. I would have hoped, though, that you would have learned something else from my death.”

Surprised at the statement, Remus didn’t even try to answer the voice at first. Although he was always the one who tried to gain something positive from every experience, to encourage his friends to learn from their mistakes, it hadn’t even occurred to him that there could be a silver lining to Dumbledore’s death.

“Professor, I’m sorry, but I don’t see anything for the Order to learn from your death. Snape’s betrayal is what caused this, and I highly doubt you would encourage us to be less trusting of each other now that you are gone.”

“No, on one thing you are right, Remus. The last thing I want you to do is to lose faith in one another. I wasn’t talking about what the Order could learn from my death, though. That is something that will take longer to sink in for all of you. I actually meant you, Remus; what I would have hoped you might learn from my death. Because this is not something that Harry, Tonks, Arthur or any of the others could gain from this. Only you.”

Remus’s head dropped. “The only thing that your death has shown me so far is that I was wrong about how prepared we are. Any personal thing I could learn from this has nothing to do with hope. And, sir, that’s really what I need right now.”

“I think you’re still looking at the bigger picture, Remus. For once in your life, I wish you would be a little more selfish.”

Even though there was no face for Remus to see, he could hear the slight smile in the voice and as he closed his eyes, he could picture the sparkle that would be in Dumbledore’s blue eyes as he said this.

“You can’t save people from their own paths, Remus. You helped me protect Sirius after he left Azkaban, but in the end it was up to him. His death was not your fault, nor was my death. There is no way you could have gotten through that barrier. But now look at yourself, Remus. Right now, more than anything, you wish you really were talking to me, or Sirius or James or Lily. Unfortunately,” Dumbledore continued with a sigh, “I am not really here and you know that as well as I do. But, Remus, there are others here now. And after all your loss, I would hope that you would finally learn what regret comes with such loss.”

Dumbledore stopped speaking again and Remus was afraid that the voice might have left for good. He looked up again, willing for it to continue. “Remus, you need to let go of as much of that regret as you possibly can. It is not your fault that so many of us have died at Voldemort’s hands, anymore than it is your fault that you are a werewolf.”

Remus felt himself begin shake and he hugged his arms around knees, now sitting like he had as a child, in the corner of his bedroom after a particularly painful transformation. He could swear that he felt long fingers lightly grasp his shoulder but he kept his head down.

“I’m going to leave you now but I want you to stop protecting people from yourself. You are only a danger to them during a full moon. And I feel confident that you’ll find someone to make the Wolfsbane Potion for you, so that will no longer be a problem either.”

The fingers left his shoulder and the air shifted as the phoenix began his song anew. Remus held onto himself, rocking. He had never felt so alone before, despite the Memory’s words. Because Remus knew now that what he had just experienced was no more than many strong memories of Dumbledore, strung together to give him a little bit of comfort. But in the wake of such a revelation, Remus could not help but to wish to cling to those who the Memory had mentioned: James, Lily, Sirius and Dumbledore himself.

When Remus finally did collect himself and got ready to leave Minerva’s office, he hardly had any energy left at all. He was tempted to go straight to one of the empty beds that Minerva had mentioned, but he knew where he should be. Too tired to even think about Disapperating, much less walking down to Hogsmead first in order to be able to do it, Remus went to Dumbledore’s old fire place and easily found the floo powder there.

“Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place.”

He wasn’t sure what he would say to Tonks when he got there and really didn’t give himself a chance to think about it.

Surprisingly, Tonks was sitting on the old couch in the living room where the main fire place was when Remus arrived. She was sitting in a position very similar to the one he had adopted when he first sat down to talk to Dumbledore’s portrait. The only difference was the wireless headphones on her ears as tears streamed down her own face. For all Remus knew, she had been sitting there crying most of the time he had been gone.

Not realizing that he had arrived since her music was blearing and her leaking eyes were closed, Remus gave himself a second to catch his breath before walking over to her. He still had no idea what to say so instead decided to just sit beside her.

Tonks must have thought he was Kingsley or Moody when he first sat on the sofa beside her because she made no response whatsoever to his presence, except to cry a little bit harder.  
His heart breaking and feeling his chest clinch again, he slowly reached a shaking hand to her elbow and pulled her hand to him. Tonks flinched slightly at the first touch but immediately opened her eyes to the scarred hand that she recognized as his.

Refusing to let go of Remus, Tonks used one hand to take off her headphones as she looked up into his tear stained face. Her mouth was open slightly in shock and Remus couldn’t maintain eye contact as he realized how alone he had left her. How certain she had been that he wouldn’t be back anytime soon.

Remus took one deep breathe but still couldn’t bring himself to look back up at Tonks. “I’m so sorry. I ca-I’m sorry I’ve done this to you.”

“Remu – ”

“No,” he cut her off only glancing up at her before looking back down at their hands together. “You’ve got to let me say this. I just can’t do it anymore.”

Tonks’s breath caught audibly in her throat and Remus knew immediately that he had said the wrong thing.

“No, no. That’s not what I meant,” he whispered soothingly, finally looking her in the eye again. “I’m sorry. I meant that I can’t keep pushing you away. I was stupid to try because I know I need you.”

Again Tonks was silent as even more tears streamed down her face and she turned her eyes back to her own lap. Remus finally believed that they were tears of relief and joy for him (despite the great pain they were both going through) and he could hardly bear it. He slowly leaned towards her and pulled her face towards him with one calloused, shaking hand.

Remus could not keep his eyes off of her now as he gently kissed her lips. Tonks gasped at his tenderness and brought her own hands up to his face. Her mouth parted slightly, inviting his tongue in. Even this was gentle as he only tasted her through the kisses.

Although the two had shared a few passionate kisses, it had never gone any further than that as Remus had always ended it before it could. He slowly pulled away but only so that his eyes could focus on hers. He did not want her to think that she was being pushed away again.

With a tired smile, he began to wipe away her tears with his thumb and listened as they both breathed deeply, putting an end to the tears. He occasionally pressed feather-light kisses around her face as they both calmed down.

“Remus,” Tonks whispered, finally breaking the silence. “I-I don’t know what made you come back here tonight but I’m so grateful you did. I was really afraid that Dumbledore’s death would scare you away completely.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m just so used to being on my own that I didn’t know how to-how to just be in the same room with you. I thought I had to be alone to grieve.”

Tonks nodded slowly. “I know I need to do a better job of giving you some space but I just felt like I was letting you push me too far away.”

Her voice shook slightly and she finally let her head fall out of his hands and onto the back of the couch. “So,” she sighed with the first sign of a smile now on her face, “you’re going to give this a chance?”

“Yes, but Tonks, we really need to talk about… well, everything. You really haven’t been around me much on days around the full moon. I’m a different person. But I’ll give you a chance to find that all out.”

“Thank you, Remus.”

“And, Tonks, I’m sorry but I’m exhausted. Do you think we could just go to bed?”

“I definitely don’t have energy for anything but sleep right now,” Tonks replied and laughed quietly when she saw Remus’s cheeks flush slightly. “I wasn’t even going there and look at you,” she chuckled as she got up and pulled him after her. “Blushing like a schoolgirl.”

**Author's Note:**

> After posting this back in 2005, I kept writing quite a bit more in this 'verse (150K+), all surrounding Remus and my missing moments head!canon for him. In all honesty, I prefer reading fanfic in which Remus is with Snape or Sirius but, for whatever reason, I'm pulled towards writing this canon pairing and the non-romantic parts of Remus's life. I may end up posting other parts of this story, both before and after this specific part, eventually. But I'd like to be closer to actually finishing before I do. It's only been 12 years since I posted this part. Why rush the rest of it, right? :) If you are interested in doing some beta work for this, please let me know.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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